you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
We had sex on a dog bed..
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
