Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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