No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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