Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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