i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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