I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
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Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
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I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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