He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
God I need to hump something, right now.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize