the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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