Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
