My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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