Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
