i jhust puked up my retainher.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
