i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
