saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
