the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
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I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
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Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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