i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
