Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
