I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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