why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
