I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
