I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
