Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.