I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
