I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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