I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
