i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
