Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
