He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
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Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
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I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize