nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
