just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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