I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
