i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
