theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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