i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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