I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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