i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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