I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
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Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
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I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
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