I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
