the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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