I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
