I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
