We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
