Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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