My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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