The maid of honor just puked.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
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