dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
