RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
