don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
