Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
