did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
