she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
My vagina is officially offended.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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