Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
