maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
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It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
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I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize